A High Desire To Please

The Cost of Being a People Pleaser

If you read last week's post, you might recall I was dealing with a situation involving my daughter. In the aftermath I needed some time off work to arrange support for her. When I asked for leave, I mentioned feeling guilty about leaving my work responsibilities behind, a colleague pointed out something I'd never really considered. They said I have a high desire to please others and I needed to forget work and concentrate on myself and my family.

This hit home in a big way.  It’s true, I’m a people pleaser. I want people to like me, and I strive to be helpful, but this tendency comes with its own challenges. People pleasing can be exhausting and more often than not, I end up over delivering, sometimes at the expense of my own wellbeing.

The Hidden Toll of People Pleasing

As I reflected on this revelation, I realised that my need to please runs deep. Like many others, I struggle to say “no,” even when I’m too busy, exhausted, or just not interested in the task at hand.

I constantly worry about what other people think and even prioritise their emotions over my own.

I've let people win at sports before to make them happy and I'm not talking about just my kids!

It’s like there's a permanent sense of obligation hanging over my head, making me feel responsible for others’ satisfaction.

When I first started my Substack, my plan was to explore the curious things other people do and discover what drives them. But it seems to be turning into more of an exploration of my own motives and behaviours. I hope others resonate with what I’m writing and that it's not too self centred.

[Author’s Note: I only noticed this passage after editing for maybe the third time. I was about to cut it, but then I realised it perfectly highlights how deeply ingrained my people pleasing habit is, it even shows up when I’m writing about it!]

What Drives the Need to Please?

My journey of understanding began with a quick Google search, where I found the following definition:

"People pleasing is often linked to low self-esteem and a need to gain approval from others. It can be a symptom of anxiety. People pleasers may believe that they are only worthy of love if they give everything to someone else. They may also avoid rejection, criticism, or embarrassment by pleasing others. "

Google does not sugar coat it. That's how I learnt that I may have low self esteem and anxiety.  I'm sure I'll write about those topics in due course.

Is Being a People Pleaser Really So Bad?

Is there really harm in wanting to be nice? In wanting to be liked? 

At first glance it might seem harmless or even admirable but the reality is that us people pleasers often end up stretching themselves too thin; constantly feeling overwhelmed, burnt out or even taken advantage of.

As with many problems, awareness is the key to understanding them. When we acknowledge people pleasing as a form of anxiety or as something rooted in self-worth, we can start to change our approach.

How I'm Planning to Curb my High Desire to Please

If you’re like me and you’re starting to wonder if people pleasing is more harmful than helpful, here are a few strategies I'm working on:

1. Recognise Your Limits

It’s okay to admit when you’re busy, tired, or simply uninterested in taking something on. Identifying personal limits is essential to preventing burnout.

2. Practise Saying No

It's not about saying no to everything and everyone but declining minor requests or commitments, that aren’t a priority is a start. Setting boundaries is a skill that should become easier with practice. I think I will struggle with this one the most, especially at work.

3. Separate Seeking Approval from Self-Worth

The desire to be liked is natural, but our self-worth shouldn’t depend on it. Try to detach yourself from external approval and recognise that your value isn’t tied to what others think of you.

4. Challenge Unnecessary Guilt

People pleasers often feel guilty for setting boundaries, but guilt is just an emotional response, not an indication that you’re doing something wrong.

5. Prioritise Self Care

If you are feeling burnt out or overwhelmed, don't forget to have some "me time". Do something relaxing just for you, because the one person you really should focus on pleasing is you!

Finding a Balanced Conclusion

Whilst writing this post I remembered that Jameela Jamil has recently started on Substack and she writes "A Low Desire to Please", perhaps I need to take a leaf out of her book.

I hope to find some balance in the future between being both a kind person who likes to help others and not being afraid to help myself.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your experiences, especially if you are a reformed people pleaser who has successfully emerged on the other side.

Stay curious.