When Love Means Being the Villain

Why Good Parents Set Boundaries That Hurt

The third time I had to call the police was the hardest. It wasn’t the act of dialling the number or explaining the situation; it was the crushing weight of feeling like I’d failed as a father. I should have been able to prevent this.

The first time could have been a one-off. The second, an unfortunate relapse. But three times? That’s when it starts to feel like a pattern. Like the universe telling me I need to get used to this new normal.

I’ve previously written about the first time my daughter went missing, but the third time was my breaking point.

The Helplessness Paradox

When the Strongest Break

The Turmoil of Parenting a Troubled Teen

My daughter isn’t in a great place. She’s navigating the stormy seas of early adolescence, hormones, school, peer pressure, the limbo of awaiting neurodivergent diagnoses, and the constant grip of anxiety.

Her challenges are our challenges, because that’s the deal as parents: when they hurt, you hurt. When they’re lost, you feel lost too.

We do our best. We try to help her make good choices, even when it feels like we’re always cast as the villains. We restrict her time with certain friends (you know the type), limit her phone use, and say no when we have to, even though it shatters the fragile peace in our house that we work so hard to maintain.

It’s not easy, but parenting isn’t about being your child’s best friend. If that happens someday, wonderful. But first and foremost, we’re parents. Our job is to raise kind, stable, resilient individuals who can thrive in this chaotic world. That means teaching them to navigate life, cook a few meals, and ensure they know how to at least use a washing machine. It also means being the bad guy when they’re heading down the wrong path.

Boundaries Are Love in Disguise

It’s hard to explain to a teenager that the reason you’re “ruining their life” is because of love. That every boundary, every consequence, and every difficult conversation stems from care, not a desire to control them. But we try, and we keep trying.

Here’s what I hold onto: A parent who truly loves their child cannot sit back and watch them make self-destructive choices. They can’t let their child run wild, misbehave, or act out while pretending everything’s fine. Parents who avoid conflict, hoping their kids will figure things out eventually, aren’t showing love, they’re neglecting their responsibility.

If you’re avoiding the hard work for an easier life, that’s selfishness. If you let your child act recklessly without stepping in, you’re prioritising your own temporary comfort over their long-term growth.

Children may not see it now, but when they grow up, most will prefer having had parents who set clear boundaries. Yet, in the heat of the moment, their resentment often outweighs their understanding.

Hearing “I hate you” enough times can break your heart and you might even start believing that's true. But being a loving parent means enduring that heartbreak to guide them towards a better future.

The Role of the “Bad Guy”

A loving parent steps in when their child’s choices become harmful.

They point out inevitable consequences.

They challenge disrespectful behaviour.

They intervene, not simply to exert control, but as an investment in their child’s potential.

Raising a child to be their best self requires discipline, honesty, and the courage to call out what’s wrong, even if it causes conflict.

Sadly, many children don’t recognise these interventions as acts of love until it’s too late, until they’ve made choices that lead to regret. Experience is often a harsher and wiser teacher than words can ever be.

Trying to reason with a child who isn’t ready to listen feels futile. It’s like carrying water in a sieve, you can see it dripping away.

Consistency is key. Even if they reject your guidance now, keeping the lines of communication open ensures they know you’ll be there with open arms when they’re ready to hear it.

The Long Game

Collaboration might help, involving your child when setting boundaries might provoke healthy discussions, even children prefer involvement in the process to sheer dictatorship.

Be consistent in teaching discipline, even when it feels like an uphill battle.

Above all, trust that your efforts will bear fruit in time.

Believe your child will grow into someone both of you can be proud of.

Parenting requires patience and faith. Patience to carry on doing what's right, when your children tell you you're wrong. And faith that in the end, you can and will make a difference.

That it will make all the difference.

Thanks to

Angelina

who's post “Men Only Correct the Women They Love” inspired this one, when I saw the parallels, I knew I had to write this.

Men Only Correct the Women They Love