This really spoke to me as I was just thinking why am I so easily dissatisfied and always dreaming so big when I have so much to be grateful for? Thanks for reminding me that always striving for more is nothing to feel guilty about.
Functioning isn't flourishing, coping isn't thriving. Nailed it! If we are to truly thrive, we must let go of comparison completely. Sure, someone always has it worse, but that in no way minimizes what I've gone through. It took me until age 45 to learn that childhood trauma and CPTSD were real and that all of my issues that I'd been working to overcome were actually valid after being labeled "crazy" by people who knew me, but didn't know my past. I love that quote that says, "comparison is the thief of joy." - So true. What an insightful piece Mark. Thank you. Love , Virg
Thanks Virg, it’s rare that anyone knows the full story when it comes to you, and why should anyone have to give a complete backstory for context so people “understand” you?
Realising that you’re entitled to whatever you want as long as you’re prepared to work for it is quite freeing.
For me, the practice of downward comparison has always been difficult to accept! Especially when it’s framed as a path to gratitude. Even in philosophical circles, when the idea of, “You have the life others would dream of,” I instinctively push back.
This view turns others' experiences into a mirror for our own comfort rather than a window into their reality. It creates emotional distance. Rather than fostering compassion, it risks replacing empathy with pity. We start seeing people as benchmarks for our own fortune, instead of connecting with what they’re actually living through.
This is a very important discussion, Mark, and I know your article goes beyond downward comparison, but this point is the one that I'm quite passionate about :)
I think the distinction between empathy and pity is important. I actually had the word pity in the original draft but changed it to sympathy, I think I meant empathy, so thanks for that (Proofreading again!)
Downward comparison might make you feel accomplished in an "I'm better than them" way, just as upward comparison might make you feel lesser in an "I'm not as good as them." Way. I don't think either is a helpful or useful attitude to have.
"We start seeing people as benchmarks for our own fortune, instead of connecting with what they’re actually living through."
What a great way of putting it Dom.
It's a tenuous link but there's a song called "Anxiety" by Frank Carter that has the lyrics:
"Everybody telling me they can't believe I can
Feel so depressed and unimpressed
And be so stressed when I'm so blessed
I got it all and they got less"
Because Frank seems to "have it all" how can he possibly feel anything other than perfect. It's a really unfair way of looking at things to have that attitude.
These lyrics captures the emotional distortion we fall into.
A former coworker of mine used to say that we live in a culture where it's acceptable to “punch up” , meaning dismissing or ridiculing the distress of those who are seen as fortunate. But pain doesn’t respect status. And the idea that having more means feeling less is both inaccurate and unkind.
This conversation has made me think about how comparison, in either direction, can limit not just our empathy for others, but the clarity to just feel what we feel.
This showed up at the right time! Thanks for the reframe around life not being a zero sum game and that my success doesn’t mean someone else loses. That’s a simple yet hard-to-grasp concept!
This really spoke to me as I was just thinking why am I so easily dissatisfied and always dreaming so big when I have so much to be grateful for? Thanks for reminding me that always striving for more is nothing to feel guilty about.
I'm glad you felt that Natalie, thank you for reading and I'm glad it resonated. Absolutely no reason to feel guilty for wanting more.
Man, really enjoyed this one. The trauma olympics was both funny and accurate. Nice nuance brother
Thanks Kyle, appreciate the read.
Functioning isn't flourishing, coping isn't thriving. Nailed it! If we are to truly thrive, we must let go of comparison completely. Sure, someone always has it worse, but that in no way minimizes what I've gone through. It took me until age 45 to learn that childhood trauma and CPTSD were real and that all of my issues that I'd been working to overcome were actually valid after being labeled "crazy" by people who knew me, but didn't know my past. I love that quote that says, "comparison is the thief of joy." - So true. What an insightful piece Mark. Thank you. Love , Virg
Thanks Virg, it’s rare that anyone knows the full story when it comes to you, and why should anyone have to give a complete backstory for context so people “understand” you?
Realising that you’re entitled to whatever you want as long as you’re prepared to work for it is quite freeing.
This really spoke to me, thanks for sharing.
Enjoyed the article — thank you!
‘You can care deeply about others and care deeply about yourself. ‘
It’s so important to remember this one. It really isn’t a zero sum game and the former often enables the latter.
Thanks Liam, Appreciate that.
I think this is a common trap many of us fall into. We don't want to make other people uncomfortable so we sacrifice our own comfort instead.
Yes, definitely, there's a difference between being sensitive to others comfort and intentionally sacrificing your own. Thanks for reading Bette.
For me, the practice of downward comparison has always been difficult to accept! Especially when it’s framed as a path to gratitude. Even in philosophical circles, when the idea of, “You have the life others would dream of,” I instinctively push back.
This view turns others' experiences into a mirror for our own comfort rather than a window into their reality. It creates emotional distance. Rather than fostering compassion, it risks replacing empathy with pity. We start seeing people as benchmarks for our own fortune, instead of connecting with what they’re actually living through.
This is a very important discussion, Mark, and I know your article goes beyond downward comparison, but this point is the one that I'm quite passionate about :)
I think the distinction between empathy and pity is important. I actually had the word pity in the original draft but changed it to sympathy, I think I meant empathy, so thanks for that (Proofreading again!)
Downward comparison might make you feel accomplished in an "I'm better than them" way, just as upward comparison might make you feel lesser in an "I'm not as good as them." Way. I don't think either is a helpful or useful attitude to have.
"We start seeing people as benchmarks for our own fortune, instead of connecting with what they’re actually living through."
What a great way of putting it Dom.
It's a tenuous link but there's a song called "Anxiety" by Frank Carter that has the lyrics:
"Everybody telling me they can't believe I can
Feel so depressed and unimpressed
And be so stressed when I'm so blessed
I got it all and they got less"
Because Frank seems to "have it all" how can he possibly feel anything other than perfect. It's a really unfair way of looking at things to have that attitude.
These lyrics captures the emotional distortion we fall into.
A former coworker of mine used to say that we live in a culture where it's acceptable to “punch up” , meaning dismissing or ridiculing the distress of those who are seen as fortunate. But pain doesn’t respect status. And the idea that having more means feeling less is both inaccurate and unkind.
This conversation has made me think about how comparison, in either direction, can limit not just our empathy for others, but the clarity to just feel what we feel.
Thanks Mark :)
This showed up at the right time! Thanks for the reframe around life not being a zero sum game and that my success doesn’t mean someone else loses. That’s a simple yet hard-to-grasp concept!
Thanks for reading Whitney.
well, why only a slice of life, when the whole universe is yours:)
You are the universe! 😁
For sure, thanks for reading and restacking Seema.