Challenging Conversations and Finding a New Approach

A Letter to my Daughter

Dec 23, 2024

Have you ever had a challenging conversation that just wasn’t working? No matter what you say or how you say it, the other person just can’t, or won’t, see your point of view. Or perhaps they’re not in the right headspace for it? But you are.

I’ve mentioned before how my daughter is going through some tough times at the moment. I realised that a conversation with her just wasn’t working. It was unintentionally winding her up; she wasn’t ready to talk. But I didn’t want her to go to bed upset, afraid, or angry.

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So, I asked her if I wrote her a letter, would she read it, with no expectations other than that she would read the whole thing. She agreed she would, and the conflict ended. The pressure to reach some kind of conclusion disappeared, as did I. I went downstairs and started writing.

I wondered if this was too personal to share, airing our family’s dirty laundry for likes. But I decided after reading several posts by the excellent

Divergent Learning Diaries

that in the end that this might give someone in a similar position some clarity, and that can only be a good thing.

Here is more or less the letter I wrote, edited only slightly for public consumption.

A Letter to My Brilliant, Brave Girl

Hi Darling,

I know what you’re thinking. You’re rolling your eyes already, aren’t you? Please read this, this might be a bit long, but I have a lot to say. You don’t have to reply, but I want you to know these things, not just know, I want you to believe them.

I see you struggling. I see the way you put up walls and act like you don’t care, not wanting to show any weakness or vulnerability. I hear you when you say “whatever,” and I know it can be easier to shut the world out than to let people in.

But no matter how many times you say it, I believe you care. Deep down, you do. You put the walls up as security, like a castle where nobody can breach the defences. I hope this letter can. Like a sneak attack through the window. A piece of parchment attached to an arrow, that sticks in the wall. That leaves you too curious not to read.

When Life Feels Hard

Sometimes, when things feel too hard, make us worry, or are scary, we sabotage ourselves. It’s like saying, “If everything’s going to go wrong anyway, I’ll make it happen on my terms.”

Like closing the door yourself before life can slam it in your face.

But you deserve better than that. You deserve good things to happen to you, things that make you smile, things that make you proud of yourself.

I know right now it might be hard to believe that sometimes. I think maybe you feel lost? It’s okay to feel like that.

They don't have a map and a compass for everything, you don't always need to know which direction to go, but it’s not okay to give up on yourself. You are stronger than the spiral you’re in right now. I just don't know if you realise that?

You Are Not Alone

Here’s the part I need you to hear, really hear: you are not alone in this. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. I’m here. Your mam is here. Your family is here.

We might nag at you all the time, but I promise you, it’s only because we love you, care about you, and want all the best things in life for you.

And when you’re ready, there are people who can help you get back on track. Me and your mam, if you’ll let us. Or other people, actual professionals who help people for a living, if you’d prefer.

Asking for Help

I know opening up is hard for you. You might not even be able to put into words all the things you’re feeling. But I also know that the anxiety you’re carrying around all the time must be so difficult.

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s one of the bravest things you can do. It really is. Struggling on your own because you think nobody can help must be so difficult. I can only imagine how that feels.

Asking for help, or even just accepting help when it's offered means you’re brave enough to say, “I want something better for myself.” And that’s honestly the truth, you can have something better. You just have to decide to take that first step.

The Bright, Funny, Happy Girl

The bright, funny, happy girl we don't see as much anymore. You might think she's gone? She’s not. She’s still in there, even if you don’t feel like her right now.

I see her every time you crack a joke, or when I try to, when you let your guard down, even for a second. I see her, then sometimes I see you hide her away, like it feels wrong to have a smile on your face.

I see her when you care about how we’re feeling, even if you don’t say it out loud.

I see her when you think nobody is watching and you're doing something you enjoy.

That girl is still you. And I will never stop believing in her. I'll never stop believing that you can believe in yourself.

Small Steps

If I could, I’d fix all of this for you. I’d wave a magic wand and take away the anxiety, sadness, and overwhelm, the feeling that life is too much. But I can’t do it for you. What I can do is stand right next to you while you figure it out, making dodgy jokes with an arm around your shoulder.

All I’m asking is this: take one small step. It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be a leap. But when you’re ready, just try taking that first step. We will be there with you cheering you on.

Because we love you. We always will. And nothing you do will ever change that. Ever.

Me and your mam would do anything for you, and we want to. We want to be there for you, we want to help you, we want you to be happy. But we can't force you to slap a smile on your face and call it happiness. We can't wave that magic wand. But there are things that can be done, if you're willing to try them.

Not everything will work, what does work might not work straight away.

Progress takes patience, patience takes effort and effort is hard work.

If it was easy, it wouldn't be a problem. The fact that it is hard means it's worth doing. Some people do hard things for "fun", people like me, we like to call marathons fun, it's really not fun until afterwards but putting the effort in, if for no other reason than to prove you can do it is something that has given me meaning.

Life is Worth Living

Life without meaning isn’t really life, it’s just existing.

I want you to live your life, be happy, and make yourself proud. Find your meaning. Do all the things you want to do. Laugh. Smile. Achieve great things.

I think that you want all of that for yourself too, but that for some reason you think you don't deserve it. You do deserve it.

The anxiety you feel is proof of that, you're living through challenge every day, just to get by. You've successfully got through every day of your life so far. A 100% success rate!

The best time to start living the life you want is right now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Right now. One step at a time.

You can be happy. Pinky promise.

Love, Dad

PS.

If you’ve read all of this, it would mean the world to me if you’d come downstairs and give me a cuddle. You don’t have to say anything, but know I’m always here for you.

Reflection

She did come down and give me a cuddle, a Disney cuddle. If you’ve never heard of it, that’s where the cast members at Disney parks are told never to break a hug, the guest has to be the one to end it. All part of the magic. And it was magic. We talked. We cried. We connected, like we couldn’t before.

Right now, I feel like progress is being made, and honestly, I think it’s down to writing. I was able to convey my thoughts in a non-confrontational way that my daughter could respond to on her own terms.

I don’t claim to be Hemingway, but I can’t count the ways just putting words on a screen has helped me recently. I didn’t think I was capable of this just a few months ago. We would have remained in conflict with me lecturing, and her refusing to listen until we both got so frustrated that the conversation would have been more harmful than helpful.

I wrote a note in early December, it was inspired by

Gurwinder

’s writing:

The preview doesn’t show it all so I’ll write it in full:

Writing is like a Swiss Army knife for the mind: whatever you need, it can shape, solve, or soothe.
If you want to learn, write to clarify.
If you want to understand, write to explore.
If you want to grieve, write to to heal.
If you want to dream, write to imagine.
If you want to grow, write to reflect.
If you want to connect, write to share.
If you want to lead, write to inspire.
If you want to remember, write to preserve.

When I wrote this letter I wanted to connect, so I wrote to share.

I shared my feelings, I shared my thoughts and I shared my love. I hope me sharing this today can inspire you to do the same.

Thanks

Thanks to Gurwinder for constantly being one of the most inspiring people on the internet.

Thanks to Louise from Divergent Learning Diaries for giving me the confidence to know that sharing things about your family is ok and for teaching me that doing that can be a real help to other people.

I really think that if this post has struck a chord with you that you will find her writing as valuable as I have.

And thanks to you, for reading, I really hope that, perhaps more than with anything else I have wrote so far that you found this to be helpful. I’d love it if you would hit the like button or leave a comment if you have.